Sunday stuff 22/3/2020

Friends say they are struggling because they are either going without the normal routines and habits that keep them physically and mentally well. Habits have been disrupted or they’ve stopped working. My ability to read has plummeted which is one of my cornerstone activities in keeping myself mentally stable. When your tools don’t work, the anxiety gets worse.

I wish there was a magic wand, but all I can do is share some more ‘stuff’ that might be of interest, use, a distraction or lighten your spirit.
And if you too are struggling to stay ok, you are not alone.

Get outside, if you can

There’s a lot of confusion over the difference between social distancing and self-isolating. If you are displaying symptoms, or a member of your household is, it’s self-isolating. We are still being actively encouraged to get outside while maintaining at least a 2m gap between us and anyone not in our household.

We’re so lucky to live where we can walk out the door and into this (see photo), but just a long walk yesterday did me the power of good. Share a secret though – today I didn’t even want to get off the sofa. Which is when I know I need to get out so I did some very minor bits in the garden. It helped.

And of course it would be absolutely the safest thing to do if we all stayed inside for however long this takes, but that’s simply not possible for many people, and it would be dire for our mental wellbeing.

Headspace

I’ve been using this guided meditation app for a couple of years and it have been very effective at helping me stabilise my mood and rationalise my feelings. They’ve made loads of content free and there are free trials too.

Visit the website.

Podcasts

I find these easier to listen to than audiobooks at the moment. Fortunately is a favourite – Woman’s Hour’s Jane Garvey and The Listening Project’s Fi Glover chat about life that I recognise and have brilliant guests on from the world of broadcasting, arts and creativity.

Here’s some more podcasts I have enjoyed:

The Infinite Monkey Cage: popular science with Prof Brian Cox and comedian Robin Ince and a panel. Also try the Curious Case of Rutherford and Fry.

In our Time: Long running R4 panel discussion covering all sorts of historical topics, culture, arts, religion and more. The shows are short introductions to all sorts of fascinating topics.

The Missing Cryptoqueen: Short investigative series about the woman who started a version of BitCoin that is not all it appears to be. Fascinating.

Women Talking About Cars: The always brilliant Victoria Coren Mitchell interviews women about their lives through the medium of discussing their cars. It’s very funny!

Radio

Classic FM : Smooth Classics. 3 hours from 10pm each night (and on catch up) with no adverts, no news and lots of soothing classical music. I often listen when I read.

Books

Need to get off planet Earth for a while? Try Endurance by Scott Kelly. The story of his year on the International Space Station and his journey to get there.

Difficult Women: a history of feminism in 11 fights. Helen Lewis. And so much more than that. A wake up call to stop the infighting. Stupendous. I suspect I may be gifting this to people. WHY DIDN’T I LEARN ANY OF THIS IN SCHOOL. Very readable.

Meadowland, the private life of an English field. John Lewis-Stempel. An absolutely glorious book. Rich and deep and mesmerising. And if you can’t get outside, will evoke our green land.

Othering

I’ve spent quite a lot of this week reading and hiding comments on a boosted post on Facebook that I created on behalf of the charity I work for. It is about an appeal raising funds for humanitarian aid projects run by the tiny minority of Christians in the Gaza Strip.

The boosted post has been targeted to be seen by people who, among other things, have expressed an interest in the poverty alleviation, international development and the Middle East.

Comments I have seen include fair questions: how do we know the money doesn’t fall into the hands of Hamas? How do we know we are funding the truly needy, given there is wealth in Gaza, albeit in the hands of people doing nothing for the most marginalised and vulnerable population?

Then there’s the questions edging towards something else: Why have we chosen to support people, who over the years appear not to help themselves?

These questions are tricky to answer on Facebook (or anywhere) so we answer them through different channels.

And then there’s the other comments.

• Tell the moslems that are here claiming benefits to send them money.
• Donate to a country that teaches it’s children the importance of killing all Jews?
• F*$! them. Their all the same underneath: appeasing Islam is like sponsoring your own assassination
• BLOW IT UP IS A BETTER IDEA.
• Every family that is scarf is because they have brought up bloody terrorist muzzrat ….so go f yourselves f’ing c’s….
• And there was me thinking all they wanted was more guns to kill Christians and Jews with.
• Won’t be saying that when the Muslim brotherhood are raping white women, committing XXXXXXXXX atrocities on British kids and killing non Muslims. All with the love of their prophet the XXXXXXXX*

I went to Gaza earlier this year and met some of the Christians and Muslims running the humanitarian aid projects. I sat and ate with them as they told me of their struggles living in a place even the UN state is going to be unlivable by 2020. I sat in the ‘homes’ of Palestinians of different faiths who have nothing, literally nothing, and are only alive because of the work of the projects. It affected me, of course it did, but I tell this because I anticipate one of the responses to this blog may be – you’re responding emotionally…

Two things: I’m not, I’m a professional. I am, I’m a human. Telling me I am responding emotionally to a humanitarian crisis or the cold-blooded murder of a woman in the street, and the motivators that drive those acts is small and meaningless criticism. Of course I am. Next.

If you’re the kind of person who thinks everyone should see the pain and destruction in the world, then step back and vote dispassionately, great. But there are more people voting because of greed, hatred and fear or because of love, compassion and hope. I understand both of them more.

The man who murdered British MP Jo Cox turns out to be a far-right extremist, stating clear indicators during his initial court hearing and appears to affiliated with and has campaigned for a far-right political party.

His actions are being excused by some: he’s just a nutcase; he’s mentally ill; he’s a lone wolf; there’s nothing we could have done; some people will always do things like this.

And yet, they don’t. Hardly anyone walks up to a public servant in the street and kills them. Hardly anyone takes an automatic weapon into a gay nightclub in Florida and kills 49 people.

What does happen every day is that people are othered. They are dehumanised. People are labelled every single day. Language and images are used that are damaging.

Migrants and refugees are conflated daily by the independent but influenced BBC. So-called documentaries chart the shenanigans of our benefit scrounging neighbours, our corrupt public servants.  Publicly and loudly leaders in all sorts of spheres appeal to their people  by exploiting their understandable fears – that there may not be a job, an education for their kids, help when they’re ill.   And a significant and influential proportion of our beleaguered media who report what is said, and sometimes what isn’t.

“You’ve got a swarm of people coming across the Mediterranean seeking a better life.” Cameron 30/7/15. Under the  previous  Labour  government,  Home  Secretary  David  Blunkett  was  criticised  for referring to child asylum seekers as ‘swamping’ some British schools (BBC  News, 2002).

The poisonous vitriol our local MP has been on the end of over his Leave position and pretty much anything else he’s ever done.

“The London Mayor – who is backing the campaign for Britain to leave the European Union – criticised the US President for his intervention in the EU referendum debate, adding his attitude to Britain might be based on his “part-Kenyan” heritage and “dislike of the British Empire”.  Boris Johnson 22/4/16.

“Media [coverage of the migrant crisis] also differed widely in terms of the predominant themes to their coverage. For instance, humanitarian themes were more common in Italian coverage than in British, German or Spanish press. Threat themes (such as to the welfare system, or cultural threats) were the most prevalent in Italy, Spain and Britain. Overall, the Swedish press was the most positive towards refugees and migrants, while coverage in the United Kingdom was the most negative, and the most polarised. Amongst those countries surveyed, Britain’s right-wing media was uniquely aggressively in its campaigns against refugees and migrants.”[1]

Othering has always happened, it always will happen.  I have been guilty of it myself and will be again.

I’ve said a few times in the EU Ref campaign that I have spoken to people on both sides of the debate, who have realised a piece of evidence, or position they hold is wrong or tenuous at best. And they won’t change their vote. They hold on to their position above and beyond what the evidence points to. They *want* to be right about their view. Their passion to see wrongs righted has been disassociated from compassion towards  people that are going to be impacted by their choice and are already being impacted by our colonial past. That rose tinted past that never existed.

To deny that othering happens is to be complicit in the consequences of it. Complicit in all of the mess and murder that happens as a result. Harsh? Yes, and I include myself in that condemnation. To say we can’t do anything about it is to give up on each other – the other who might not be my colleague/friend/family member who thinks the same way I do about everything. and who never challenges me or my world view.  The other who is a human too no matter where the luck of their birth placed them on this earth.

 

*I had to delete some words, because there is some sort of attention I don’t want my blog to attract.

[1] UNHCR: Press Coverage of the Refugee and Migrant Crisis in the EU: A Content Analysis of Five European Countries:  http://www.unhcr.org/56bb369c9.pdf

Extra reading: Our health and theirs: Forced migration, othering, and public health. Natalie J. Grove, Anthony B. Zwi School of Public Health and Community Medicine, The University of New South Wales https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7524802_Our_Health_and_Theirs_Forced_Migration_Othering_and_Public_Health

 

 

Mental Health Awareness Week: exploring anxiety

I’m a big advocate of talking about mental health issues. Growing up in a family blighted by depression and mental health problems, I know how imperative it is to talk, talk, talk about what we suffer.

In 2014 Mental Health Awareness Week’s theme is anxiety which is something that has hit our family hard recently. When a young member of the family suffers, it is inescapably sad and there’s a horrid feeling of helplessness. I’ve tried to read around the subject a bit to make sure I’m well informed so I can be of help as and when I need to be.

I know one of the biggest barriers to improving the lot of those with mental health conditions is stigma, mostly based on grossly incorrect assumptions. Even though I’ve been surrounded by mental health problems my whole life, I know I still fall into a trap of ignoring the symptoms, seeing if it goes away, and still becoming frustrated with the sufferer, especially if the sufferer is me.

So I was reading a list of symptoms of anxiety:

Physical things that might happen:

• Rapid and / or irregular heartbeat
• Fast breathing
• Weakened / tense muscles
• Sweating
• Churning stomach / loose bowels
• Dizziness
• Dry mouth

Psychological impacts can include:

• Trouble sleeping
• Lack of concentration
• Feeling irritable
• Feeling depressed
• Loss of self-confidence

Reading the first physical symptom, a memory hit me like a tonne of bricks. I remembered when, in 2003 I ended up at the doctor’s very worried about an irregular heartbeat. It felt like my heart was stopping, missing 3-4 beats and when it kicked back in, the first beat was so strong it felt like I was being punched in the chest. It was horribly scary and at times painful. I had an ECG and when the results came in my doctor said, and I paraphrase: there’s nothing physically wrong with you, you’re probably a bit stressed, try to not be.

This conversation resulted in a handful of problems. Firstly I felt like I’d been a fraud and wasted the doctor’s time.  I was working at an outdoor education centre, working 80-90 hours a week, often in charge of the entire centre. I had had a bad relationship and an even worse breakdown of the relationship. I was still having to work with the bloke and live next door to him at the centre.  So yes, I figured stress *must* be the problem. I went away feeling silly. That diagnosis and reaction from my doctor seemed so sensible and definitive and I never thought to question it.

Secondly, I’ve been so convinced that I am just the kind of person whom stress happens to, when I’ve suffered the same irregular heartbeat periodically (sometimes intensely and frequently) over the intervening years, I automatically look to my diary to see what is causing me stress. I’ve begun to pride myself on being able to change things so the ‘stress’ goes away. I always jump to the conclusion that there must be external factor causing the irregularity. I haven’t been aware of lots of other techniques I could be trying rather than cancelling another meeting, or tucking myself up in bed thinking it will go away if I just don’t do activity X which is one thing too many this week. Those responses still have their moments, but it is a simplification it seems.

Thirdly, I’ve thought, well yes, all my family have mental health problems, this inability to manage stress is probably just the way it manifests in me. Count yourself lucky and get on with it. (Yes, I know, dumb.)

I’m now wondering how much of what I’ve felt has been caused by the environment I’ve put myself in, or find myself in and how much of it has its source within me.

Clearly, I think I was (and still do) suffer stress, but anxiety and stress are different. I understand that it is widely recognised that stress in and of itself can be useful, helping us recognise situations for what they are and allowing us to manage them. Of course, chronic or acute stress can be bad for us in many ways but I am trying to understand the difference between anxiety, which is subdivided into disorders, and stress.  One descriptor is:

‘Anxiety is more akin to fear. An anxiety disorder is diagnosed when that fear is significant enough to interfere with daily functioning, or if it seems to develop without cause’.[1]

Although it appears the lines between anxiety and stress can be blurred, I was surprised to read that anxiety disorders can include phobias, as I suffer from emetophobia, the fear of vomit. I’ll dig into that one in another blog (if I can, just thinking about it makes me anxious and I think I’m lots better than I used to be)! I wonder if I’d mentioned that to my doctor, he’d have put two and two together.

So, I wish I’d had proper support back then to understand what was going on and what I could do about it.  I’ve cycled through times of stress and now I think I’ve been suffering anxiety too.

Now, I’m not a hypochondriac, honestly! I know this smacks of “oh, get her, she reads a list of symptoms and now she thinks she suffers from it.” It honestly isn’t that, a lot of things from a very long period of time seem to be falling into place. Given the frequency of occurrences of these problems in our family as well, I’m less surprised and more face-palming wondering why I didn’t notice it earlier. They say familiarity breeds contempt….

I think Mental Health Awareness week has already helped me become more aware of when I’m suffering anxiety as opposed to being stressed and given I now recognise there is a difference I hope I can be of use to myself and others.

Brownies: rehabilitation from church

To steal a phrase *waffle warning*

Brownie sleepover, fuelled mainly by Diet Coke

I was writing a new post for my other blog, Tawny’s Tales this afternoon, regarding a sleepover we held on Saturday. I was sorting photos and editing when I had a moment of clarity: I love my Brownies.

Not so long ago, I had spoken to Owlet (not her real name!), a friend for well over 20 years now and the overall leader of our group, about taking a sabbatical from the unit. I had too much on my plate, again.  I was working a fair distance from home and volunteering insane amounts of hours for my church and a local foodbank project. I was studying for a diploma and I was in a new marriage which was under pressure as my husband had been through numerous jobs in a short space of time. I had looked at everything on my plate and decided Brownies was the one thing I could give up without feeling very guilty about it.

Guilt was a big thing especially as the kind of person who drew my identity from tasks and responsibility I was given. I had developed to believe that my worth came from what I did for other people. I believed I was indispensable, thinking that if *I* didn’t do a task, no one would and people would be let down, goals wouldn’t be reached. It got particularly bad in the compartment of my life I’d dedicated to Christianity.

I had an over inflated sense of the importance of my actions which is what happens when you think everything you do is about getting church to grow (which I suppose is the same as people being “saved” but it was always talked about in terms of church growth).  God forbid, people might not hear about Jesus because the church website wouldn’t have the correct Mothering Sunday service details on it!

I tried to give things up, but it seemed so important to make sure church ran smoothly, cos that’s where the big, good, conversion stuff happens right? I’ll blog about my thoughts on compartmentalising life,  evangelism and the lack of separation between spiritual and secular another time.  But when the emphasis was so firmly on perfecting Sunday stuff (and one night a week disciple group, and alpha once a term, and driving kids to soul survivor please…) it made easy to never say no because every little task was about helping people get to know Jesus.

I told people how under pressure I felt and both husband and I stepped down from a number of rotas. But within weeks we were asked to step back up again and take on more. Although the people doing the asking must take some responsibility, I had given the impression I was ok to do pretty much anything and everything so who can really blame them.

It wasn’t until I did a Lenten challenge last year called Not Busy that I spent time thinking about the reasons I was busy in the first place. I highly recommend the book by Stephen Cherry. A particular part of the challenge was to spend 10 minutes a day doing nothing. Nothing at all. Not reflecting/praying/having a quiet time but actively doing nothing and being ok with that. It was hard as I put so much emphasis on not wasting time. The theology, theory and disciplines have become invaluable.  I’ve been able to rid myself of a lot of guilt and stress associated with defining myself by what I do rather than who I am, and never saying no because I am a people pleaser.

The challenge helped me assess my priorities so instead of giving up Brownies, I gave up pretty much everything else. I still have a part time job and volunteer one afternoon a week at a local charity doing data entry (albeit around a passion of mine, photography.) A couple of years ago I’d have thought these jobs and tasks were ‘beneath me’. I’ve got a degree for heavens sake, more talent than what is required to manage a diary and log photos. But I know there’s more to life than academia and the simplicity of the tasks bring me joy. I come home with energy left. I recognise we’re in a position to live with me in PT work but we’ve made sacrifices so I can do it. We’re unlikely to be able to afford to buy our own home this side of me being 40, but we’re both healthier and happier.

We also left our church, for many reasons which I still don’t have the desire or self control to blog about constructively.  We haven’t found a new one and – shock horror – we haven’t been looking  hard. The break has done us good and that in and of itself says a lot. I am wary that until a bit more time has passed, we could both just rush back in and end up making old mistakes again.

We’ll find somewhere new to go, of course we will. My husband is a musician and keen lead worshipper and he misses corporate meetings a lot. Before I knew him as I do now, I could still tell that when he was leading a band he was primarily worshiping God and everything else came from and after that. I’m biased of course, but given his talent he managed to lead the band well when his mind wasn’t necessarily on how to make the music *excellent.* He excels at creating an environment where people could musically worship God without feeling like they had to do it the way he was, the way the cool kids were, or any other way which was different to how they felt they wanted to. That, if for no other reason, means return to a more formal church setting soon because if the church would welcome it, he wants to do more of what he loves.

We do pursue our faith in current ways, but we can’t imagine going to separate churches, although we know couples that make it work.  But what we feel is that for the moment we’ve got the balance about right. We’ve got people to talk to and pray with. We’re spending more time with family. I have the time and energy to serve a variety of people and causes that are important to me. It doesn’t matter to me that they aren’t traditional Christian ‘miniseries’. I’m spending time worshiping and studying. I am being creative. I’m saying no.

It all goes to pot sometimes, and my way of worship might not be in any formal way that gives some people the worries, but it feels good for me and I’ve had the to meet people who feel the same and always have done. I am master of my own time, I know I’m not indispensable. I have a much healthier view of my importance in the grand scheme of things. I don’t consider doing nothing a waste of my time, skills and gifts any more. I no longer think I’m letting God down because I’m not doing *something* that I’ve been taught the world or certain parts of the church view as most valuable. I hope this is a better place to be heading back to a church family.

So, the last year feels a bit like we’ve been to rehab! We had to get over and heal from some difficult experiences. We had to remove ourselves from the church we were in to be able to really change the way we were doing/viewing church. We still recognise the importance of church life but can’t go back in until we know we’ve got some boundaries and perspective in place and then we can exercise, stretch and amend them when we’re there.

I’m excited for what happens next, not exhausted by just thinking about it.  I mean, what does it say that it took until I was the other side of 35 to work some of this out? I spent years being told by the church to be a History Maker, to be ‘on fire’, to look for the “new, fresh thing God is doing.”. My old worship team taught members to “strive for perfection, settle for excellence” when half of them couldn’t keep a tune but had hearts of gold.

Here’s a few things I’ve learned in rehab that I’m going to try to hold on to:

Do your best, but if you’re too knackered, don’t worry, God loves you anyway.

Be who and what God created you to be, but be aware it takes a lot of time to work out what that is and what you love can change.  That’s fine.  Just try not to waste time trying to be something else for someone else and never compare yourself to others; God doesn’t.

Doing whatever it takes to get bums on seats at church is only one way to do church.

Don’t always look to do something new all the time. Sometimes it takes more courage and faithfulness to stay where you are, serving and loving the people you’re with.*

So I’m very glad I stayed with my Brownies and (somewhat) chose them over facilitating church growth. It doesn’t mean I don’t want people to get to know Jesus and what He is all about, but I don’t think church, however you define it, is the only way to do that.

I’m not saying being nice to Brownies is the same as following Jesus, but committing to them is a good step.  Spending time with them, making them feel special, encouraging them, laughing with them, steering and guiding them is loving them. If leadership is influence and pastoral care is imperative then being the best Brownie leader I can be *is* being the best follower of Jesus I can be.

 

 

* inspired in particular by Adrian Plass.