I got rejected by another couple of jobs and although it didn’t upset me it was enough of a nudge to make me realise I’m only a few weeks in to my plan and I have already strayed off the path. Pretty good going!
A motivating factor in resigning and something that was clearly from God, was that I need a break. But I started to panic about money (more on this in a minute), about being bored, directionless, losing my home, and becoming reliant on others. That’s why I was applying for full time roles that would have meant really long hours, over Christmas, on weekends and probably a fair commute (as I might not have a car!) And while I would have scraped in cash, it is the exact hurdle I don’t need. If my goals are to recharge, relax, reprioritise and refocus I need time and space.
So after yet another discussion with Rob, we decided I’m not going to even going to seek work until at least the New Year. I will, as was originally intended, seek, listen, and hopefully catch up with friends, family and the bazillion other things I’ve wanted to do. Plus I can develop my photography, get a fitness regime in place and move a few stalled projects forward.
Some friends have asked what I am going to do for money. I have thought about what I need, as opposed to what I want. And what I want is to stay in my home but I recognise that may not work out. For lots of reasons, which may get covered in a later instalment, I would prefer not to take up Mum’s incredibly generous offer to house me again. There are a few other options I am exploring should I need to move out and I’ll be ok for living space whatever happens. My last pay packet from work will keep the bills paid until the New Year. I’m fortunate as lived at with Mum, rent-free for a long time so I have some money to fall back on.
I haven’t heard anything yet about going out and giving my savings away! I am hopeful this is because He knows there are sensible things I want to put it towards, like a house or a wedding. However learning to be reliant is difficult with a financial cushion and I guess that is why I have had specific nudges about not being so money-orientated.
For instance, a week after I handed in my resignation, the company re-launched its voluntary early release scheme. Had I been successful in an application, I’d have walked off with over half a year’s wages. Before my notice was officially accepted, my old boss tried to persuade me to wait for the release scheme, even though we had no idea at the time when it was coming out. But just the thought of hanging on for months (and it turns out my earliest escape would have been April) was enough to make me queasy and wretched. Getting that payout would not have been worth my sanity and my health. So this experience is turning out to be a lesson in being less reliant on material things as well as everything else.
My stress levels are still high. This is firstly because I’m still commuting and working hard, because I have to, because I want to and because I know I am leaving people I really care about in a tougher position.
Secondly, because of ongoing uncertainty and my associated impatience. I worry that waiting to search for work, at a time of recession and rising unemployment is nuts-a-cuckoo and that I might miss the ideal opportunity if I am not scouring the adverts. It seems I am not learning my lessons in trust overnight.
Thirdly, because of the first two reasons, I’m still tired, picking fights, being tetchy, wanting to be anti-social and sleep/lay in front of the telly and have all the associated guilt (which I know is daft). The results of all this seeps into everything else. Although God is surrounding me with supportive people, and reminding me a big chunk of the stress will end in a week I would rather not be the grumpy person I feel I am. I had a lovely meal with my disciple group on Wednesday. I was so happy and enjoyed the people (and the meal) but before and after I was so tired I cried.
But yes, a week left, then no more 0615 alarms and no more two and a half hour commutes. Promises of, and actual support pours from my boyfriend, family, friends and colleagues.
I believe that God never leaves me, but right now there is so much clutter, even while prayers are being answered daily I can feel far away. It is Bonfire Night tonight, maybe I will burn some of the rubbish.
p.s. yes, please comment if you would like to!