Rejection # 1!
I had my first rejection for a Christmas temporary sales job today. Now considering they say you should expect to apply for 80 jobs to get 1 these days I shouldn’t be upset. But I am. I recieved the email while I was at my desk and had to hide a very teary face.
Ridiculous I know, but I’m not used to being rejected by employers – until today I’ve never had a job interview or made an application where I wasn’t offered the role. Boo-hoo poor Heather May I hear you say 😉 but I have found a significant part of myself associates my self worth with this kind of success.
This isn’t because I only felt loved as a child when I succeeded at something, absolutely not, but it is an easy and obvious measure of success. I suppose I have always been “the academic one” or “the one with potential” or “the one who can do anything she turns her mind to” – all that might be true. And while I am inifintely grateful for people’s confidence in me I hoping to just try to be whatever God wants me to be, not what my (apparent) skills might point towards, or what (well-meaning) colleagues suggest, or what seems to be the current pressing need. I think I need to push lots of doors, and do my best not to be scared of trying something and finding it doesn’t work which will be a massive change for me. So I am trying to remember to listen and ask which direction to go in. Easier typed than done and I’m still on the wrong side of terrified.
At church a couple of weeks ago, I prayed with some of the ministry team and one had a picture of me travelling along a wide road, whereby the road narrows and turns a corner, then widens out again. Then on a separate day someone else had a picture of me being on a motorway, pulling into the services and having a break – then going back to the roundabout but taking a different exit, onto a non-motorway road. Perhaps this is an indication of needing to take a slower, more meandering path for a while.
Of course, I don’t know what these pictures mean for me yet, but I will contemplate them and remember them from the other side of experiences.
I do know God is reminding me, gently and thankfully through others, that He has His hand over me and is guiding me in the ways the scripture says He will. I can’t rely on just me to figure out the next move and He will always use others to reiterate what we think we may have heard, and need to hear,
And when I take time to reflect on all of this, I’m not teary at this end of today. Lesson for the day – take time to reflect and remember what God has promised He will provide.